Love is a lovely, energizing energy that may change people's lives. Joy, desire, and an intense bond that sometimes feels indestructible are all brought about by it. However, love isn't always sufficient. Despite our desire for partnerships to endure forever, the real world frequently presents a different image. Disagreements emerge, priorities change, and occasionally, despite their intense love for one another, two people find themselves at a crossroads where the only course of action is to part ways.
Breaking up means the end of a shared dream and a relationship. You may have envisioned a future together—perhaps a home filled with love, shared traditions, or even a family. When that future suddenly vanishes, the emotional toll can be overwhelming.
I've personally witnessed this. For example, after being engaged for three years, my cousin experienced a terrible split. Together, they had planned every aspect of their lives, including their future children's names, living arrangements, and interior design. She was mourning the loss of the life she believed she would have, not just the death of her fiancé, when it was all over. She needed months to come to terms with the fact that those dreams needed to be rewritten.
I also remember my close friend, Sarah, who was blindsided by a breakup. She felt things were going great, only to learn her partner had been emotionally distancing himself for months. She was left wondering about everything when he ultimately called it quits. Was he ever truly content? She would question, "Did he ever love me as much as I loved him?" As if knowing the precise cause would somehow ease the anguish, she spent weeks attempting to figure out what went wrong. However, she eventually realized that an explanation isn't always the best approach to find closure. You have to find closure for yourself sometimes.
Acknowledge your emotions:
Recognizing your feelings after a breakup is one of the most difficult but important tasks. Attempting to repress any of these emotions—pain, anger, grief, or confusion—will only slow the healing process. Whether it's via excessive work, social events, or even a rebound relationship, many individuals, including myself, have witnessed friends and family members rush into diversions only to have their unresolved feelings reemerge later. For instance, James, my neighbor, pretended that his split had no bearing whatsoever on him. He told everyone he was alright while engrossed in his task. However, he acknowledged months later that he had never allowed himself the time to grieve, which left him feeling trapped and unable to go on.
You must permit yourself to feel. You should weep if you need to. Put your ideas in writing if necessary. Spending 10 to 20 minutes a day sitting with your feelings without passing judgment is a useful workout. Allow yourself to feel rage or despair rather than suppressing it. Instead of repressing your emotions, this technique, called emotional acceptance, helps you process them.
Keep in mind that you are grieving not just for the deceased but also for the loss of a future, the routines you developed together, and even the little, routine moments that used to provide solace. And that's all right. Healing is about giving oneself the time and compassion to process the sorrow, not about acting as though nothing is wrong.
Delete all traces of your Ex and start making new memories:
Eliminating your ex from your life is one of the most difficult yet successful stages in moving on. This entails making a place where their absence no longer bothers you, not acting as though they never were. Whether it's an old sweatshirt, text messages you've preserved, or photos on your phone, holding onto reminders keeps you emotionally connected to the past.
I recall how difficult this stage was for my buddy Aisha. She repeatedly reassured herself that she was "strong enough" to handle her ex's belongings. She still went to the places they used to go together, his jacket was still hanging in her closet, and her phone was still full of his pictures. But every time she saw these reminders, it felt like reopening a wound. She didn't feel lighter until she eventually collected everything he had, placed it in a box, and disposed of it. She subsequently informed me that she was able to let go emotionally by letting go of those bodily recollections.
Social networking may present an even greater challenge. We frequently believe that we can tolerate reading postings from our ex, but in practice, it only causes needless suffering. This happened to my cousin when she continued to follow her ex on Instagram to check if he had moved on. She started overanalyzing every time she saw him happy, out with pals, or posting something mysterious. “What does this mean? Is he in a new relationship? She would ask, "Why does he look so happy when I'm miserable?" She became aware of how much mental space she had been allocating to someone who was no longer in her life the instant she muted or unfollowed him.
It's not only about getting rid of them; it's also about getting fresh memories in their place. Look for a different café if you and your partner used to frequent the same one. Make a new playlist with music that gives you a sense of empowerment, if some songs bring back memories of them. Create new customs rather than focusing on outdated ones.
I recommended this to my buddy Mark, who struggled to move on following his split. Every Saturday morning, he and his ex would go for coffee and a stroll in the park. He didn't go there at all after they split up since it hurt too much. However, I urged him to take back the things he valued rather than giving them up. He began inviting his buddies to join him at a new café on Saturdays. He eventually substituted fresh, happy experiences for the melancholy associated with that habit.
Making room for the future is more important for healing than just dismissing the past. You may begin making new memories that make you happy as soon as you let go of old ones that no longer serve you.
Start moving on without closure:
You might never get the closure you want after a split, which is one of the most difficult realities. People frequently believe that the agony would be lessened if they could simply have one last discussion, one true apology, or one honest explanation. However, the truth is that even if you receive an answer, the tranquility you want is rarely achieved.
I witnessed this directly with Daniel, a friend of mine. His four-year girlfriend abruptly ended their relationship, saying she "needed space." His mind was filled with many questions: what had changed? Was there another person present? Had she long since given up on him? He made many attempts to contact her in the hopes that she would really respond. However, her responses were all ambiguous, and soon she simply stopped responding. He waited for a response that never materialized, feeling trapped in limbo for months. He didn't begin to heal until he decided to go on without finding closure.
In actuality, closure is something you make for yourself rather than something you have from someone else. Put more emphasis on you than on the reasons they departed. What did I learn from this relationship, you ask? What am I hoping to achieve in the future? How can this experience help me grow? To get everything off her chest after a difficult separation, I advised my cousin to compose a letter to her ex—not to mail it. She expressed all she felt, the things she hoped she could say, and the questions she was never able to find the answers to. She told me it felt like a weight had been lifted when she erased the letter.
Although it's difficult, it's essential to let go without explanation. The sooner you come to terms with the fact that certain issues will never be resolved, the sooner you can stop searching for a possible explanation.
Start self-care and personal healing:
Taking care of yourself in every manner imaginable is just as important as emotionally moving on after a breakup. After a breakup, it's easy to revert to bad behaviors. Some people stop eating healthily, spend days binge-watching television, or isolate themselves from other people. Others immerse themselves in their work to avoid confronting their feelings. Self-care is the cornerstone of recovery, even if it's common to feel disoriented at first.
I've witnessed this happen with Sarah, my cousin. She fell into a pattern of binge eating, insomnia, and emotional weariness when her long-term lover ended their relationship. She hardly left her bed, mentally reliving the breakup. But eventually, she understood that worrying too much would not make him return. She began to make minor adjustments, such as eating wholesome meals, going on frequent walks, and keeping a blog. She gradually began to feel more like herself.
Maintaining your physical health directly affects your mental wellness. Endorphins, which are released when you exercise, help lower tension and anxiety. A 10-minute stroll can have a significant impact, even if you don't feel like exercising. After going through a difficult divorce, my neighbor started doing yoga. She told me it gave her inner serenity and a sense of self-reconnection.
Self-care is taking care of your mind as well as your body. Take part in things that bring you joy, such as cooking, drawing, or picking up new skills. Take up a new hobby or reconnect with an old one. Be in the company of individuals who encourage and support you. Self-care serves as a reminder that you are adequate, even if breakups sometimes leave people feeling unlovable or undeserving.
If you're experiencing emotional difficulties, therapy may be a lifesaver. You can process your feelings and create better coping strategies by speaking with a specialist. Asking for assistance is a step toward recovery, not a show of weakness.
Don't look for answers during the healing process
Not knowing all the answers is one of the most difficult things to swallow after a breakup. Our minds still want for explanations, even when we are aware of the reasons for a breakup. Was I truly at fault? Was there anything I could have done differently? Were they ever truly in love with me? The anguish is simply made worse by this incessant interrogation.
I recall that my friend Alex was obsessed with the reason behind his girlfriend's breakup. He relived every exchange, examined her most recent texts, and even attempted to get advice from common acquaintances. However, after exploring several "what ifs," he was never able to find the resolution he desired. He eventually came to the conclusion that knowing why didn't alter the situation. There was no way to reverse the separation; it had already occurred.
The same brain areas that are activated during drug withdrawal are also activated after sorrow, according to psychologists. Our brains are physically yearning for the affection and connection we've lost, which is why breakups hurt so much. In his grief TED Talk, Dr. Guy Winch describes how obsessively reliving memories and searching for solutions may turn into an addiction. It becomes more difficult to move on the more you engage in it.
Rather than looking for solutions, concentrate on acceptance. Recognize that you have no control over certain situations. Letting go involves releasing oneself from the weight of overanalyzing the past, not forgetting.
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