Gaslighting vs. Greenlighting: Understanding the Dynamics of Control in Relationships

 Control is more important than we frequently recognize in the complex web of human connections.  The urge to control someone else can take many forms, whether overt or covert, and occasionally it can be so covert that the target is unaware of it.  Greenlighting and gaslighting are two phrases that have become more popular in recent years when discussing interpersonal manipulation.  Despite their apparent differences, they both have the same underlying cause: the desire to exert control, whether via intentional deception or passive facilitation.

Recognizing manipulation in others is only one aspect of understanding these two dynamics; another is protecting your own mental and emotional health.  I have personally experienced both gaslighting and greenlighting in various situations, sometimes from friends or family and other times from love partners.  It took me a while to realize these tendencies, and for a while I kept questioning my own feelings and ideas, wondering whether I was just "overreacting" as I was frequently taught.  To see the patterns for what they were, it required time, introspection, and a solid support network.  And after doing so, I came to appreciate how pervasive these practices are, impacting numerous others in ways they may not always comprehend until the harm has been done.

This is why educating people about the distinctions between greenlighting and gaslighting is so important.  Greenlighting is exactly as hazardous as gaslighting, which has become a cultural catchphrase, yet it's frequently disregarded.  You've probably been the victim of greenlighting if you've ever had someone minimize your suffering, defend toxic conduct, or encourage you to "just let it go" when you were attempting to defend yourself.  Although they function differently, these two practices undermine emotional health, trust, and self-worth.  Let's dissect them and look at how they show up in interpersonal interactions.

1. What Is Gaslighting?

A person's sense of reality is directly attacked by gaslighting, making it one of the most pernicious types of psychological manipulation.  The phrase first appeared in the 1944 movie Gaslight, when a husband subtly alters his wife's surroundings to make her think she is going insane, then denies that anything is wrong.  Gaslighting works similarly in contemporary relationships: the abuser purposefully makes the victim doubt their own recollections, perceptions, and even feelings.

 The fact that gaslighting frequently originates from someone you trust, such as a love partner, acquaintance, or even a family member, is among its most agonizing features.  It typically begins subtly; it doesn't necessarily begin forcefully. When you bring up anything that upsets you, they dismiss it with a nonchalant "That never happened" or "You're too sensitive."  You may first fight back and trust in yourself, but as these incidents mount up, doubt begins to seep in.  Perhaps you're not recalling things correctly.  You could be overreacting.  Gaslighting works so well because it gradually erodes self-confidence.

 In one relationship I was in, gaslighting turned into a recurring pattern.  I kept getting comments like "You're making things up," or "You're imagining problems where there aren't any," whenever I talked about anything that had affected me. I began to question if my worries were genuine, to the point that I felt like I was treading carefully and was scared to voice them at all.  I didn't begin to realize the reality until I confided in a close friend, who confirmed my experiences.  I became aware of how much control gaslighting had over me at that point, and how critical it was to escape its hold.

 Gaslighting can occur in a variety of ways, such as:

• Denying reality: When someone maintains that an event did not occur despite your vivid recollection of it.
• Downplaying emotions: Telling you that you're overreacting, overly emotional, or making a big deal out of nothing is an example of downplaying emotions.
• Blame-shifting: Reversing the circumstance so that you feel like the issue, rather than the one who is harmed, is known as blame-shifting.
• Contradicting past statements: Saying one thing one day and then denying they ever said it when you bring it up later is known as contradicting earlier claims.

 Control is the ultimate objective of gaslighting.  The gaslighter makes sure you become reliant on them for reality by instilling doubt in you, leading you to believe their version of events rather than your own.  This type of manipulation can cause severe harm, including anxiety, sadness, and a decline in self-esteem.

2. What Is Greenlighting?

Greenlighting is more passive than gaslighting, which forcefully coerces someone into questioning oneself, yet it is equally damaging.  Greenlighting is the practice of ignoring, defending, or excusing harmful conduct so that the offender can carry on unchallenged.  The concept of "greenlighting" refers to the act of endorsing someone's inappropriate behavior by remaining silent about it or by openly supporting it.

 Since greenlighting frequently comes from well-meaning folks who think they're helping, many people aren't even aware they're being given it.  Have you ever told someone you were being mistreated and received reactions like these?

•  "Oh, they didn’t mean it like that."
•  "That’s just how they are—don’t take it personally."
• "You should just let it go. It’s not worth the fight."

These words may appear to be attempts at maintaining peace at first, but they really minimize the pain you have endured.  By shifting the emphasis from accountability to the victim's ability to put up with abuse, greenlighting encourages toxic conduct.

 I have firsthand knowledge of being greenlighted by a coworker who was always impolite and contemptuous to me.  "Oh, that's just their personality," I was informed when I finally brought it up.  That's how they are with everyone.  I was given the impression that I was overreacting rather than admitting that their actions were improper.  This not only deterred me from taking further action to solve the issue, but it also gave that individual carte blanche to keep mistreating others.

Because greenlighting makes you feel unsupported, ignored, and unseen, it may be quite frustrating.  Because no one is prepared to question it, it fosters an atmosphere where abuse and maltreatment flourish.  This might gradually undermine a person's faith in their own experiences and leave them feeling helpless to alter their situation.

 Greenlighting in relationships is sometimes given by friends or relatives who don't want to "get involved" or who think they're being helpful by telling you to preserve the peace.  But remaining silent in the face of abuse simply serves to strengthen the abuser's hold on you.  If someone keeps telling you to ignore unpleasant conduct, you may begin to question whether you are the issue instead of the one who is hurting you.

For this reason, it's critical to identify greenlighting as a passive but harmful kind of facilitating manipulation.  Silence in the face of toxic conduct only serves to worsen the situation, whether it is in social circles, the workplace, or personal relationships.  We must be prepared to call out inappropriate behavior rather than ignore or condone it if we wish to end the pattern.

3. The Role of Control

Whether via intentional manipulation or passive enabling, gaslighting and greenlighting are fundamentally control tactics.  They each have different but equally detrimental effects on relationships, but they operate in various ways.  Recognizing and escaping these dynamics requires an understanding of how control functions in them.

Gaslighting as a Control Mechanism

 A proactive, intentional tactic used to manipulate someone's reality perspective is gaslighting.  The victim's recollections, feelings, and ideas are manipulated by the gaslighter, leading them to question their own experiences.  Because it fosters reliance, this type of control is especially pernicious because the victim begins to rely more on the gaslighter's account of events than on their own discretion.

The fact that gaslighting takes time is one of the factors that contribute to its potency.  It's a slow process that frequently passes for affection, care, or even comedy.  Small, seemingly innocuous remarks like "I never said that" or "You're imagining things" might be the first words of a gaslighter.  These rejections worsen with time, leading the sufferer to doubt their own sanity.

 In my personal experience, I wasn't able to identify gaslighting right away.  My worries were continuously dismissed in the relationship I was in.  My spouse would respond with phrases like "That's not how it happened" or "You're just being dramatic" whenever I brought up harmful conduct.  I would first push back, but after months of getting the same answers, I began to doubt myself. Was I being overly sentimental?  Was my recollection incorrect?  My confidence gradually declined as a result of that doubt, and I began to apologize for things that weren't my fault.

 Gaslighting may have a severe emotional toll.  Confusion, worry, and low self-esteem are the results.  Because they think they are the issue, victims frequently find themselves unable to exit poisonous situations.  It is more difficult to trust oneself the longer the gaslighting goes on.  Early detection of gaslighting is therefore essential because you may start taking action to restore your sense of self as soon as you realize that someone is purposefully altering your reality.

Greenlighting as Passive Control

Greenlighting is a passive method of control as opposed to gaslighting, which is an aggressive manipulation technique.  Instead of directly affecting the victim's thoughts, it ignores, excuses, or justifies harmful conduct, allowing it to go unchecked.  Greenlighting is frequently inadvertent; individuals permit harmful behavior because they don't want confrontation, they don't realize the hurt is being done, or they think they're helping by urging the victim to go on.

 However, because it strengthens the abuser's control, greenlighting may be just as harmful as gaslighting.  The message that poisonous conduct is acceptable—or at the very least, not worth addressing—is sent when friends, family, or even society reject it.  The sufferer feels even more alone as a result, as though their suffering is unimportant.

I've experienced "greenlighting" when I've notified someone about someone else's abuse and been told, "That's just the way they are," or "You need to be the bigger person."  Despite their apparent innocuousness, these remarks shield the abuser and quiet the victim.  The individual being harmed is not assisted; rather, they are made to feel as though they are being unreasonable or challenging.

 Greenlighting frequently takes the form of blaming toxic family members in households.  Others may defend an emotionally abusive family member by stating, "You know how they are—don't take it personally," or "That's just their way of showing love." The victim is made to feel as though they must accept abuse as usual, which pushes them into a vicious cycle of enduring it.

 Fundamentally, greenlighting is an inability to hold individuals responsible.  The abuser's influence is subtly maintained by greenlighters who overlook or excuse destructive behavior.  Their rationalization or silence permits the abuse to go unchecked, even if they might not be the ones actively manipulating.

The Subtle Power of Inaction

Greenlighting frequently seems more like inactivity than damage, which is one of the reasons it is so risky.  Even though they may not completely comprehend how they are being influenced, those who are gaslighted are aware of it.  However, the person who is being greenlighted might not even be aware that they are being fired.  This tacit method of control can eventually become as confusing as gaslighting.

 Imagine regularly seeking assistance from friends or family and being urged to "let it go" or "not make a big deal out of it."  You may eventually stop talking at all because you think your emotions are unworthy.  Greenlighting undermines someone's feeling of self-worth in precisely this way: by making them feel ignored, disregarded, and unnoticed.

4. The Impact on Relationships

Relationships are permanently damaged by gaslighting and greenlighting, frequently in ways that victims aren't aware of at first.  These actions undermine trust, skew communication, and harm mental health, whether they are done actively or passively.  To identify unhealthy relationships and take action to repair the suffering they create, it is essential to comprehend their impacts.

Emotional and Psychological Harm

 Loss of self-confidence is among the most severe and immediate consequences of gaslighting.  When someone is taught repeatedly that their memories, feelings, and ideas are incorrect, they start to internalize that notion.  Severe anxiety, despair, and self-doubt may result from this.  Gaslighting victims frequently encounter:

• Chronic self-doubt: They find it difficult to believe in their own judgment, which makes even easy choices difficult.
•  Increased tension and anxiety: A condition of emotional weariness is brought on by the continual second-guessing.
•  Low self-esteem: The victim becomes more vulnerable to manipulation because they begin to feel that they are constantly incorrect or exaggerating.

 In contrast, greenlighting makes people feel alone and powerless.  People may start to believe that their suffering is invisible or inconsequential if their worries are consistently disregarded.  This may result in:

• Emotional withdrawal: Feeling that no one will acknowledge their experiences, victims may completely cease expressing their emotions.
•  Resentment and frustration: Deep-seated resentment and disillusionment might result from knowing that no one is prepared to defend them.
•  A cycle of acceptance: People may get the impression that maltreatment is something they must put up with if they are instructed to "let it go" all the time.

 Greenlighting and gaslighting both have the potential to gradually rob victims of their identities.  They could get so used to doubting oneself or repressing their feelings that they lose sight of their own desires or feelings.

Breakdown of Communication and Trust

Open communication and trust are the foundation of all healthy relationships, whether they are platonic, family, or romantic.  These underpinnings are destroyed by gaslighting and greenlighting, which foster cultures that penalize honesty and make it hard to resolve conflicts.

 Communication in gaslighting-affected relationships becomes a one-sided power struggle.  The victim feels that they are the issue, their words are misrepresented, and their feelings are downplayed.  They could eventually completely stop speaking up out of fear that every discussion will become another chance for manipulation.

Though less overt, greenlighting also undermines communication by perpetuating the notion that raising one's voice is useless.  A victim may begin completely repressing their emotions if they are told again and over again, "It's not a big deal," or "Just ignore it."  Because the victim no longer feels comfortable expressing themselves, this can cause emotional isolation in relationships.

 Another significant victim of these actions is trust.  The basic assumption that those close to you will be truthful and encouraging is betrayed when someone gaslights you.  When someone encourages negative conduct, they are sending the message that your health is not important.  Both situations result in a one-sided relationship where the victim bears all the emotional burden while the other party, either deliberately or passively, retains control.

5. Recognizing and Breaking the Cycle 

The good news is that you can defend yourself and stop their influence once you realize what gaslighting and greenlighting are.  Healing and taking back control of your mental health are completely achievable, even if they are difficult, particularly if these habits have been a part of your life for a long time.

 Awareness and Education

 Awareness is the first and most crucial step.  Before learning about gaslighting and greenlighting, many people are unaware that they are being duped.  You can spot harmful patterns by reading about these behaviors, speaking with people who have gone through them, and thinking back on your own relationships.

It was a revelation to me when I first learnt about gaslighting.  All of my previous experiences now made sense.  I came to see that my perplexity and self-doubt were not the result of being too dramatic or sensitive, but rather of being conditioned to distrust my own reality.  Just having that information gave me a great deal of empowerment because it made it possible for me to begin taking back my identity.

 Follow your gut if you think you're being greenlighted or gaslighted.  If something doesn't feel right, it most likely does.  Look for resources, consult with individuals you can trust, and pay attention to warning signs.

Setting Boundaries

Establishing strict limits is the next step after recognizing manipulative conduct.  Setting boundaries is crucial to safeguarding your mental health and stopping more manipulation.

For gaslighting, this might mean:

• Refusing to participate in debates that deny your reality.  Say something like, "I know what I experienced, and I won't argue about it," rather than attempting to prove yourself.
•  Maintaining documentation (if required).  Maintaining a record of encounters might assist in reinforcing your reality in severe situations when gaslighting is ongoing and harmful (such as in abusive relationships or the job).
•  Keeping your distance from those who are always lying.  In certain situations, leaving a relationship is the best course of action since it is too poisonous to continue.

For greenlighting, setting boundaries may involve:

• Pointing up disrespectful conduct.  Say something like, "I need to talk about this because it's important to me," in response to someone telling you to "let it go."
•  Looking for assistance elsewhere.  Find a support network that will validate your experiences if those around you don't. This might be an online community, a therapist, or a close friend.
•  Refusing to accept justifications for harmful conduct.  Remain steadfast in your conviction that detrimental behaviors should never be disregarded or justified, even if someone tries to defend abuse.

Seeking Support

You are not alone in your efforts to recover from gaslighting or greenlighting.  Having the support of family, close friends, or mental health specialists may be quite beneficial.

 Therapy was really beneficial to me in coping with the consequences of gaslighting.  It changed my life to have someone affirm my experiences and assist me in regaining faith in my own judgment.  Even just chatting to folks who respect and believe in you may be very beneficial if therapy is out of your price range.

 Be in the company of individuals who value your truth and inspire you to have faith in yourself.  It will be more difficult for someone to control or ignore you the more you support your own perception of reality.

Realizing that you deserve to be heard, respected, and believed is the first step in healing, which takes time.  Manipulation will have less influence over your life the more you educate yourself and surround yourself with individuals who genuinely care about you.

Read More