Living with someone who constantly dismisses your emotions, controls your life, and blames you for everything can leave a deep and invisible scar. For many people—especially those in relationships with narcissistic partners—this trauma doesn’t always show up as obvious pain. Instead, it quietly creeps into the mind through dissociation, a state where your brain tries to protect you by emotionally "shutting down." You might feel numb, detached, or as though you're watching life happen from outside your body.
This article explores the complex link between dissociation and narcissism—not only in victims of abuse but also in narcissists themselves. Through my personal journey in a 32-year-long marriage with a man I believe has narcissistic personality traits, I want to help others understand how these patterns work and how to begin healing.
What is Dissociation?
Dissociation is the mind’s survival mechanism. It’s what happens when the emotional pain becomes too much to process, so the brain creates distance from it. You might find yourself emotionally numb, forgetful, disconnected from your body, or going through your daily life on "auto-pilot." For trauma survivors, especially those living in emotionally or physically abusive environments, dissociation becomes a way of coping.
In my case, I didn’t even know the term dissociation existed. I just knew that I was emotionally absent many times, especially after being shouted at, slapped, or blamed for something that wasn’t my fault. I would go silent, not because I didn’t have anything to say, but because I had nothing left inside me. I was emotionally exhausted.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is more than just being self-centered. At its core, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental condition where a person has an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind the arrogance often lies a fragile self-esteem that's easily wounded by even the smallest criticism.
There are many forms of narcissism—from the charming, confident, and manipulative type to the more covert kind who plays the victim and guilt-trips others. In my husband’s case, it wasn’t always loud or dramatic. Sometimes, he would act like a victim when things didn’t go his way. Other times, he would completely ignore me, act like I didn’t exist, or accuse me of being responsible for everything that went wrong—even his own failures.
How Dissociation Happens in Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
Living with a narcissist often feels like living in a warzone where the bombs are made of silence, insults, or sudden outbursts. Over time, your body and brain learn to disconnect to survive.
In my marriage, the abuse began very early. Just a month or two after our arranged marriage, a simple disagreement about going out ended with my husband slapping me—something I had never experienced before, not even from my parents. I was in shock. Slowly, these incidents repeated, followed by silence, emotional withdrawal, or superficial gifts like food or clothes, but never a genuine apology.
To survive, I emotionally "checked out." I stopped reacting, stopped crying in front of him, and eventually even stopped hoping. This was dissociation—my body was there, but my soul had learned to hide.
I lived like this for years, believing I was the one at fault. I used to wonder, “Did I really say something wrong? Was it my mistake?” It took me almost two decades to understand that I was not wrong—I was being manipulated and blamed to protect his ego.
Can Narcissists Dissociate Too?
Interestingly, narcissists themselves may also use a form of dissociation. While victims dissociate to survive pain, narcissists may emotionally detach to avoid shame, guilt, or vulnerability. They build a “false self”—a version of themselves that is always right, perfect, or superior. They ignore anything that makes them feel weak or exposed.
In my experience, my husband never wanted to admit being wrong. If he failed at something, it was always someone else’s fault—mine, the kids’, or even fate. But if something went right, it was always his success. This emotional disconnect from reality is a defense mechanism. It helps him protect his fragile ego by dissociating from his own failures.
Why the Connection Is So Difficult to Recognize
One of the hardest parts about living in a narcissistic relationship is not realizing how deeply it's affecting you. The abuse is often not obvious. It comes in cycles—good days followed by bad ones, kind gestures followed by silence or violence. This confusion keeps you trapped.
Dissociation makes it even harder to see the truth. You begin to live in a fog where you can’t trust your own thoughts. You stop feeling things deeply. You doubt your own memory. You may even start to believe that you’re the toxic one.
In my case, I spent years crying, questioning myself, and trying to fix everything. I lost confidence in my decisions, feared upsetting my husband, and even forgot how to recognize my own emotions. It wasn’t until my daughter, who loves studying psychology, told me, “Mama, he is a narcissist,” that I began researching. Everything suddenly made sense.
The Emotional Toll of Living in Dissociation
Over time, dissociation can affect every part of your life—your emotions, your physical health, your relationships, and your ability to make decisions. You begin to feel like a stranger in your own body. You smile in front of others while your heart quietly breaks inside. You stop recognizing the person in the mirror.
For me, the emotional damage didn’t show up only as sadness—it showed up as anxiety, irritability, and fatigue. I would cry alone, and sometimes I would even take out my frustration on my children. But every time I did, I felt guilty afterward and questioned myself. Why am I doing this? I realized it wasn’t me—it was the weight of years of silent emotional trauma that I was carrying inside.
How to Begin Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Dissociation
Healing begins when you allow yourself to see the truth—and when you stop blaming yourself for someone else’s emotional damage. For me, that moment came when I physically moved away from my husband to another city for work. Even though I still talked to him because of his illness, the emotional distance gave me space to breathe, think, and finally feel again.
Some of the things that helped me heal were:
- Spirituality – My faith gave me strength when nothing else did. Prayers became my safe space.
- Silence and Reflection – I stopped arguing and started listening to my inner self.
- Self-love – I began doing things that made me happy. I opened a coffee shop, took care of my health, and spent quality time with my children.
- Support from my daughter – Her words were the first light that guided me out of the darkness.
How to Protect Yourself Emotionally
When you live with or deal with a narcissist—even if you're no longer in the same home—you must learn to protect your emotional space. Here’s how I do it now:
- Limit emotional engagement: I no longer try to fix him or expect love in return. I send a message sometimes, not because I expect a reply, but because I choose to be kind.
- Set emotional boundaries: I no longer take the blame for things I didn’t do. I gently remind myself, “It was never your fault.”
- Create a safe space: My home now feels peaceful. I don’t allow chaos or confusion anymore.
- Affirm your truth: When doubt creeps in, I remind myself of what I’ve survived. My pain was real. My story matters.
Beyond Narcissism: Other Disorders That Affect Emotional Health
While narcissism has a strong connection to emotional abuse, it can sometimes exist alongside other conditions. Some narcissists may also suffer from:
- Antisocial Personality Disorder – where they lack empathy and manipulate others without guilt.
- Borderline Personality Disorder – which may cause emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and intense relationships.
- Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Traits – where control and perfection become tools to dominate or criticize others.
It’s important to remember that not all difficult partners are narcissists, and not all narcissists are evil. But when their behavior starts destroying your emotional peace, you need to choose yourself.
A New Chapter: Choosing Peace Over Pain
I don’t live with my husband anymore. I chose peace, not because I wanted to punish him, but because I couldn’t survive in that emotional prison any longer. After 32 years, I realized that waiting for him to change was costing me my joy, my health, and my identity.
And yet, I don’t carry hate in my heart. When I left, he asked me not to remove his name from my surname. He told me, for the first time in his life, “I’m sorry for hurting you.” That was the only apology I ever got—but I didn’t leave for the apology. I left for my own survival.
From Survival to Strength
If you're reading this and wondering whether you are in a narcissistic relationship, trust your gut. If you feel invisible, blamed, emotionally exhausted, or always walking on eggshells, something is not right. And you don’t have to wait 30 years to understand that.
Dissociation is not weakness. It’s your mind’s way of saving you. But healing begins when you come back to yourself. When you stop surviving, and start living.
You are allowed to choose peace. You are allowed to protect your soul. And you are allowed to love yourself—even if no one else ever truly did.
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