Many people believe love is about support, understanding, and mutual respect. But for some, love becomes a place of confusion, emotional pain, and self-doubt. This often happens when one partner shows signs of narcissism—a personality style that appears confident on the outside but is deeply rooted in control, blame, and lack of empathy.
This article isn’t just about psychology. It’s about real life. It’s about what it feels like to be in a relationship with someone who may seem charming to the world, but behind closed doors, leaves you questioning your worth. Through my personal story, I hope to help others understand the quiet suffering that comes with living with a narcissist—and how to begin protecting yourself emotionally.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is a personality pattern where a person constantly needs admiration, shows little or no empathy, and often puts their own needs and image above everything else. They may appear confident, successful, or even kind to outsiders—but at home, they can be controlling, emotionally cold, and cruel in subtle ways.
Narcissists usually have a deep fear of being seen as weak or wrong, so they blame others, twist conversations, and make you feel responsible for everything that goes wrong. They want to feel powerful, and they often use love, silence, or manipulation to keep control.
Types of Narcissism
Not every narcissist looks the same. Some are loud and aggressive; others are quiet but emotionally damaging.
- Grandiose Narcissists: Confident, charming, and dominant. They act like they’re always right and expect admiration.
- Vulnerable Narcissists: They may seem sensitive or insecure but still blame others, guilt-trip people, or silently control relationships.
- Malignant Narcissists: The most harmful type. They combine narcissism with cruelty and even enjoy the emotional suffering of others.
My husband’s behavior fits parts of all of these, but mostly he hid behind control and emotional silence. He never admitted his mistakes, and he made me feel like I was the problem, even when he hurt me.
Common Traits of a Narcissist in Relationships
Many people don’t realize they are living with a narcissist because the abuse is not always loud or violent. Instead, it happens slowly, quietly, and repeatedly:
- Constant blame: They never take responsibility.
- Gaslighting: They make you doubt your memory or feelings.
- Control: Over money, choices, or even your freedom.
- Lack of empathy: They ignore your pain and needs.
- Superiority: They act as if they’re better or smarter than you.
- Emotional withdrawal: They punish you with silence or distance.
- Conditional affection: Love is given only when they get what they want.
Why It’s So Hard to Recognize
In the beginning, you might feel loved, needed, or even protected. Narcissists often start with kind gestures or flattery—but soon, those turn into control, criticism, or emotional distance. What makes it harder is that they don’t always shout or fight. Sometimes, they just stay silent, ignore your needs, or quietly make you feel less.
I didn’t understand it at first either. Our marriage was arranged, and in the beginning, my husband praised my cooking. He used to say, “I only want food made by you, not by my mother or sisters.” It gave me hope that we might grow close over time. But he never admired my beauty, never noticed my efforts outside the kitchen, and never gave me emotional comfort.
The Emotional Toll: Losing Yourself Slowly
The pain of living with a narcissist isn’t always physical. Sometimes, it’s the constant feeling of being unseen. You try harder every day, but nothing is ever good enough. You stop trusting your own decisions. You stop dreaming. You walk on eggshells—just trying not to upset them.
For me, the emotional pain started very early. Just a month or two after marriage, he physically abused me. It happened over a small disagreement about going out. I still remember how shocked I was when he slapped me. I cried like never before, because my parents had never even raised their voice at me. I had never been treated like that by anyone.
From that day, I started walking a path where I was always afraid. If something went wrong, he blamed me. If he didn’t wake up for work on time, it was my fault. If something bad happened, it was because of my “bad luck.” But when anything good happened, he proudly said, “I made it happen.”
Even when I needed something small, like going out or eating sweets, he would ignore me. But when it came to making decisions in a restaurant, he’d say, “You order.” He never gave me attention where it mattered, but left everything on me when it came to responsibility. Slowly, I began to question myself all the time:
Was I wrong? Did I do something to deserve this? Why am I never enough?
Emotional Manipulation and the Power of Gaslighting
One of the most painful tools a narcissist uses is gaslighting—a way to make you question your own memory, feelings, and reality. Over time, you begin to feel confused about what’s real and what’s not. You start to think everything is your fault, and that if only you “behaved better,” things might improve.
In my marriage, every time something went wrong, I was blamed—even when I had nothing to do with it. If my husband failed to get up for work after I had already tried to wake him, he still blamed me for the loss. If something unfortunate happened, he said, “It’s your bad luck.” But if anything good happened, he proudly took the credit: “I made it happen.”
There were times I felt like I was going crazy. I’d reflect on the situation and convince myself that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have tried harder, done things differently, spoken less, or stayed more silent. I kept adjusting, bending, and compromising—until I felt like I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. And this is what emotional manipulation does—it breaks you from within, quietly.
Isolation and Control Disguised as Care
Narcissists often find ways to isolate their partners from friends, family, or even basic independence. It doesn’t always look like control at first. Sometimes, it comes wrapped in what seems like care or concern. In my case, it started subtly—he would take me everywhere, even just to buy bread. I felt like he was being protective or loving.
But over time, I realized I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. He never let me out of the house alone, even for small errands. He made me believe that I wasn’t capable of managing things on my own. And just when I got used to always being with him, he began to leave me behind. If I wanted to go somewhere, he’d say, “Go with the kids, I have no time.”
He made sure I depended on him for everything, and then, once I was completely used to that, he emotionally pulled away. That’s what control looks like—it shifts without warning and leaves you feeling helpless. Even when I wanted space or time alone, he would say, “I will not go anywhere. You go if you want.” The emotional freedom was just never mine.
The Breaking Point and Realization
The emotional weight builds slowly, but when it breaks, it floods everything. The fights continued, but apologies never came. Not once in 32 years of marriage did he say “I’m sorry”—until I finally walked away.
I had moved to a different city to run my coffee shop. I returned once for an eye check-up, and during that short visit, he said, “Now that you’re using your name everywhere, you can remove my name from your surname. You don’t need me anymore.” Those words shattered me. When I calmly replied, “Okay, then give me a divorce,” he immediately backtracked: “I didn’t mean that. Don’t talk about divorce.”
That moment was the first time he ever said, “Sorry for hurting you.” He added, “If I die, please forgive me.” And even though the words finally came, they came too late. The damage was already done. It wasn’t just about that day—it was about three decades of being unheard, unloved, and emotionally broken.
Healing Through Silence, Faith, and Inner Strength
When you live with a narcissist, your spirit becomes tired. You cry in silence, question yourself constantly, and carry the weight of guilt that was never yours. I went through all of that. I wept for years. I became emotionally fragile, even shouting at my children sometimes—not because I wanted to hurt them, but because I was carrying pain I didn’t know how to release.
But I found my way through healing. It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t loud. It was slow and quiet. I turned to spirituality, to silence, and to small acts of self-love. I forgave—not just him, but myself. I stopped blaming myself for staying, for hoping, and for loving someone who couldn’t love me the way I deserved.
My daughter was the one who first told me, “Mum, he’s a narcissist.” That opened my eyes. I researched, I read, and I started to understand. I realized I had carried everything silently for years, thinking no one would help me. But the truth is—healing starts from within. People may support you, but only you can decide to choose peace.
A Message to Others Living in Silence
If you are living with someone who might be a narcissist, my message is simple: observe the signs, but don’t ignore your soul. Try your best—but when you know in your heart that there is no hope, choose yourself. I stayed for years because of family pressure. I tried to leave multiple times, but people kept telling me to stay. In the end, I realized: if there is no will to change, there is no way forward.
Even now, I sometimes call him because he’s sick and I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve made peace with the fact that I didn’t get the love I gave. But I’ve also found peace in knowing that I survived. I didn’t break, even though everything around me tried to break me. And that is strength.
You Are Not Alone
Narcissistic abuse is real. It doesn’t always leave bruises on the skin, but it leaves deep scars on the heart. If you are confused, hurt, or always questioning yourself in a relationship, take a step back. Listen to your emotions. Respect your own needs. And most importantly, never blame yourself for loving.
Love is beautiful when it's shared. But love should never cost you your peace, your voice, or your worth.
You are enough.
You are not alone.
And you have the power to heal.
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